shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
