Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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