Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
