Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
