so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
