did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
