dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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