I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
