He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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