so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
