those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
