hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
