The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
