there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
