The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
