You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
