nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
