So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
