Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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