Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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