How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
