She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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