My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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