i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
