and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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