seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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