Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
