I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
