But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It was confusing and full of hummus
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
