Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
