If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
