You can't special order awesome
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
