i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
