I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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