Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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