I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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