in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
PANTIES FOUND
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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