I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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