five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
