Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
