i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
high people should be assigned attendants
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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