I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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