I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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