So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
