Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
