I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
