Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
