Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
