mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
