I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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