if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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