He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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