Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
