Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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