You just made me feel so damn special
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
