He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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