I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
